Ed is out of town for a few days so asked if I'd like to come by to check on the cats for him. Of course I did.
Driving over there was a little funny. It's the route my body's auto-pilot immediately goes for when I get on 5-95 these days, still, so relaxing into it was.. strange. When I first met Ed, I was going to school off of Davie Road, which two exists east of his Pine Island exit. I couldn't help but think of how nice it was back then. I sat through 3 hours of astronomy after a 9-hour workday, shivering the whole time, and was rewarded with hugs and kisses from Ed, who was always incredibly warm and tasted of yummy things, like rum. This was back when he was happy to see me, when we'd spend our evenings drinking wine, talking, and reading. It was always great end to a long day.
Anyway, the cats were really happy to see me. That's only because they wanted fresh food, of course, but I neglected that for a couple of minutes so I could squeeze them and they'd put up with it.
taken pre-meal, as you can tell by lucy's toleration of me.
So why was this a bad day? I miss them. I handle it better than I thought I would, because I know they're continuing in their happy little lives, only with a little less cuddling. But it still sucks.
Suki agrees.
It got me to thinking later.. About how last week someone asked me what I was looking for and I didn't know. I don't know. Of course I want to be with someone; holding hands and kissing are a distant but fond memory. But I don't think showing someone that amount of trust is in me right now. Point 1: I'm a big softie; I can't trust myself to be logical about someone after I grow to care for them. Point 2: If things go well, they eventually become part of your life, at which point they have the ability to change your life. And unless I'm moving to Hawaii, I don't want the places I'm used to, the people I'm used to, and my surroundings to change overnight. Not to mention the precious little cats I'm used to cuddling with daily.
I'm not whining. I'm happier now than I had been in the past few months, and none of these changes are horrible anyway - just different. It just occurs to me that trusting someone enough to give them a place where they become part of your life is.. well, for lack of better terms, a Very Big Thing and Not To Be Taken Lightly.
Oh well. Men are nicer when they're just your friend anyway. I just wish they weren't so pleasant to touch. :)
¶ 10:02 AM
