Tuesday, December 14, 2004
  New Mall Rules

During an exhaustive trip to the Coral Square Mall last night, I had some ideas to improve our mall experiences.


No screaming kids.  This is #1 for a reason!  If parents insist on bringing their crying, stomping, bawling kids to the mall, then the management should offer some type of Muzzle/Cough Syrup patrol.  My lack of empathy for parents of crying children may seem heartless, but the mall is bad enough without them..


Perfumania stores should be located in rooms much like the smoking rooms at airports.  Or, I dunno, in Hialeah.


Malls should take upon the holidays as they do hurricanes.  This hurricane season, my local Publix was kind enough to set up a makeshift check-out counter with an old-fashioned cash register and a hand-held product scanner.  It was 10 items and under and cash only and allowed those of use whose hurricane shopping list consisted of: Beer, Twizzlers to get out of the store in under an hour.  Standing in a 30-foot line at J.C. Penney over the weekend, I wondered why the malls don’t grab onto that smart little tactic. 


Only one location of store chain per mall.  Last night, I made a note that I came in the mall by an FYE store.  When I finished shopping, I hunted down the FYE and exited there.  My car wasn’t there.  After a few minutes wandering around, confused, I went back into the mall and stared at the mall directory.  It turns out there was another FYE at the exact opposite end of the mall.  That’s just not fair!  It took me an hour to get there, which leads me to my next idea:


GPS devices should be standard hand-outs at mall entrances.  See, I have a little disability I call an Innate Sense of Misdirection.  If I feel I should most definitely go one way to get home from an unfamiliar location, I have realized that I should just turn the opposite way because that will be the correct one.  Now put someone like that in a mall, disoriented by the fumes of knockoff Burberry and Cinnabons, and I have no idea where I am.  On the trek from one FYE to the other last night, I’d see something interesting (i.e. a plant pot shaped like a coffee mug.. with cats on it. My tastes have gone a strange route since I started liking cats) so make a turn into the store, decide it cost too much, then turn around and walk in exactly the wrong direction.  I’d continue on my merry way until something distinct caught my eye: “Hey, I’m pretty sure I just saw that ‘If you can see this, the bitch fell off’ shirt. Damn!”  My solution?  GPS with turn-by-turn navigation.


Slippers should be considered appropriate attire while shopping.  Right?  And there should also be bars with to-go cups.  The Build-a-Bear would’ve been an even better experience after a couple of margaritas. 


I’m going to another mall on Friday, so I’ll probably come up with more then.

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I'm Stacey. I'm a 31(!)-year-old Wisconsin girl living in sunny South Florida. The highlights in my life are my lovely boyfriend, my aloof cats, my adorable/adoring stepdogs, my two lumbering tortoises, select family members, being outside, being underwater, taking pictures, yadda yadda. Stay tuned for lots of babbling!

Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida, United States


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Making a difference

A small boy lived by the ocean. He loved the creatures of the sea, especially the starfish, and he spent much of his time exploring the seashore.

One day the boy learned there would be a minus tide that would leave the starfish stranded on the sand.

When the tide went out, he went down to the beach, began picking up the stranded starfish, and tossing them back into the ocean.

An elderly man who lived next door came down to the beach to see what the boy was doing. Seeing the man's quizzical expression, the boy paused as he approached. "I'm saving the starfish!" the boy proudly declared.

When the neighbor saw all of the stranded starfish he shook his head and said: "I'm sorry to disappoint you, young man, but if you look down the beach, there are stranded starfish as far as the eye can see. And if you look up the beach the other way, it's the same. One little boy like you isn't going to make much of a difference."

The boy thought about this for a moment. Then he reached his small hand down to the sand, picked up another starfish, tossed it out into the ocean, and said: "Well, I sure made a difference for that one!"

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