Monday, May 09, 2005
news on the hour, every hour
1. kamille is pregnant! due date: december 20. happy baby news.
i said a little prayer last night that everything will be alright, just in case there is a god. well, it was more of a threat.
2. kittens all get adopted, says the lady who answers the phone at the humane society, so no skittles for me. back to the halloween scaredy cat, i think.
3. went on a shore dive sunday morning. it was a beautiful day, but the water was a little rough. maybe rough's not the word. but rougher than i'm used to. it required a little more effort than i'm used to, but probably very good for my helping my abilities; i was REQUIRED to be close to people (i hate that) and REQUIRED to stay close or i couldn't see the people anymore. not much to report, sightingwise, but i did start to notice the little tinies i never did before. little drums, little got-my-hole-staked-out-so-leave-me-alone fish, etc. matt gave me some of his old gear - a flashlight, backup light, weight belt.. i'm so close to having, like, a whole set-up. it's nice being a charity case, as matt putts it. :)
4. lost 5 lbs! (actually, more like 6 0r 7. seems kinda strange, but that's what the scale said.) in, like, the past week or so... week and a half, whatever. all that means, though, is that i'm back to my normal weight -- what i weighed prior to eating out all the time and having an evening nightcap of rocky road ice cream. this does mean, however, that i'm a mere 4 pounds away from being my lightest ever. except, like, when i was born. not having anyone to go out to eat with nor any motiviation to go to the store is good for something.
5. i give up on giving a status report. it changes every minute. i'll be fine and smiling, even while i have bags under my eyes from the enormous amounts of tears i've shed over the past week, weekend.. i know this is the right way for it to be; if he can't treat me like i matter, then i can't be with him. i didn't want to be with him like that. but that fact doesn't make me feel even a smidge better. i don't understand why it changed, why he started to treat me so differently. and all that leads me to is dissect and focus on every criticism i've received and feel so bad about myself that i can't walk by a mirror without hissing something mean. on top of that, the person who i would normally go to when i was feeling bad.. is the person who put me here, told me i wasn't wanted enough to treat like his girl. and i'm alone here.
diving without him was hard. no, diving without him was fine. i had great buddies who are safe (safer than me), skilled (much more skilled than me), and kind. but when i thought about having someone down there who got scared when he couldn't see me.. held my hand for the whole dive when i got scared at devil's den.. then it became too metaphorical for my life right now. i don't have anyone that cares like that anymore. i don't matter to anyone like that now. i don't have anyone that wants to squeeze me just because they like me. AND MY NEIGHBORS WON'T STOP HAVING SEX IN THE MORNING WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. thank god we share a wall and they leave their window open. really!
i just wish i could fast-forward three months or something.
luckily, i feel fine when i'm outside and active, such as when diving. so tonight begins jogging. and yoga to help ease some of this stress.
6. dawn, i'll be visiting in december, then. stop asking me! and stop eavesdropping on my greeting my cat when i get home! you're programmed as #2 on my phone, so that's how it happened. :)
7. oh, almost forgot - Fluffy let me pet him for the first time this morning! Just three pats, but that's better than nothing. :) ¶ 11:40 AM
i said a little prayer last night that everything will be alright, just in case there is a god. well, it was more of a threat.
2. kittens all get adopted, says the lady who answers the phone at the humane society, so no skittles for me. back to the halloween scaredy cat, i think.
3. went on a shore dive sunday morning. it was a beautiful day, but the water was a little rough. maybe rough's not the word. but rougher than i'm used to. it required a little more effort than i'm used to, but probably very good for my helping my abilities; i was REQUIRED to be close to people (i hate that) and REQUIRED to stay close or i couldn't see the people anymore. not much to report, sightingwise, but i did start to notice the little tinies i never did before. little drums, little got-my-hole-staked-out-so-leave-me-alone fish, etc. matt gave me some of his old gear - a flashlight, backup light, weight belt.. i'm so close to having, like, a whole set-up. it's nice being a charity case, as matt putts it. :)
4. lost 5 lbs! (actually, more like 6 0r 7. seems kinda strange, but that's what the scale said.) in, like, the past week or so... week and a half, whatever. all that means, though, is that i'm back to my normal weight -- what i weighed prior to eating out all the time and having an evening nightcap of rocky road ice cream. this does mean, however, that i'm a mere 4 pounds away from being my lightest ever. except, like, when i was born. not having anyone to go out to eat with nor any motiviation to go to the store is good for something.
5. i give up on giving a status report. it changes every minute. i'll be fine and smiling, even while i have bags under my eyes from the enormous amounts of tears i've shed over the past week, weekend.. i know this is the right way for it to be; if he can't treat me like i matter, then i can't be with him. i didn't want to be with him like that. but that fact doesn't make me feel even a smidge better. i don't understand why it changed, why he started to treat me so differently. and all that leads me to is dissect and focus on every criticism i've received and feel so bad about myself that i can't walk by a mirror without hissing something mean. on top of that, the person who i would normally go to when i was feeling bad.. is the person who put me here, told me i wasn't wanted enough to treat like his girl. and i'm alone here.
diving without him was hard. no, diving without him was fine. i had great buddies who are safe (safer than me), skilled (much more skilled than me), and kind. but when i thought about having someone down there who got scared when he couldn't see me.. held my hand for the whole dive when i got scared at devil's den.. then it became too metaphorical for my life right now. i don't have anyone that cares like that anymore. i don't matter to anyone like that now. i don't have anyone that wants to squeeze me just because they like me. AND MY NEIGHBORS WON'T STOP HAVING SEX IN THE MORNING WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. thank god we share a wall and they leave their window open. really!
i just wish i could fast-forward three months or something.
luckily, i feel fine when i'm outside and active, such as when diving. so tonight begins jogging. and yoga to help ease some of this stress.
6. dawn, i'll be visiting in december, then. stop asking me! and stop eavesdropping on my greeting my cat when i get home! you're programmed as #2 on my phone, so that's how it happened. :)
7. oh, almost forgot - Fluffy let me pet him for the first time this morning! Just three pats, but that's better than nothing. :) ¶ 11:40 AM
